It is Tuesday night, the end of Day Three. I sit beside my Father’s statue and struggle to find words for what I’m feeling, when two days ago I wrote with confidence about my goals for the week, and those words rang true without question.
Tonight, there is a flickering candle, transient between moments of darkness and light, and my several attempts to launch into an in-depth analysis of the past days’ events have all felt hollow.
I focus beyond words.
There is an ache in my back from additional hours spent before a screen, organizing, planning, making foolish mistakes and trying to fix them. There is a tension in my shoulders and neck from nerves relating to a new graduate program, and a particularly trial-by-fire first day of class. There is a weight in my chest for the loved ones near and far whose mental and physical demons I cannot seem to slay, who have had less of me in the past few days than I would normally give. (There is even a tic in my eye from entirely too much caffeine in a 48 hour span!)
There is also a fierce joy beyond measure at the creative works and stories in Set’s name that have spread across my community’s forums and even a few blogs beyond. There is a boundless depth of gratitude that so many continue to lend their time, their presence, their service to this event which honors the Son of Nut. There is a reverbant thrum of excitement that a few individuals who had been gone from my community chose this week to return, perhaps because of Set’s festival, perhaps because of the New Year, perhaps because of a chance.
There is also, admittedly, a growing solidity at the core of me, summoned by the soft, firm voice that says of my school and work and caretaking, “Yes. You have done well.”
The owner of that voice sits with me and I Him, the incense I’ve lit blowing up against His statue and back to my face.
I breathe and I am so grateful for all that has already occured and what has yet to come.
I breathe and I wish other things had happened differently, that I might have done better by my community members and our gods, both of whom I endeavor to serve.
I breathe and recognize that I cannot control whether the flame casts me in its shadow or holds me aglow.
I breathe and I think that tonight, sitting here with the One who embodies such transformations, I can accept the uncertainty.