Epagomenal Days – Days of Wesir and Heru-wer

Originally published at Ekunyi's Embers. You can comment here or there.

On the final day of the Kemetic year, I sat in shrine and spoke freely to Netjer, as I could not perform senut courtesy of biological timing.

(While I was initially somewhat disappointed about not being able to perform the ritual during this holy time, it made me consider the significance of doing what comes “naturally” during a natural process. A post for another time, perhaps.)

I offered an open mind, and promised my best efforts at sensing the Unseen over the course of the days upon the year. I requested that if there was some way the Names associated with these days would have me celebrate, that they make it known to me. I expressed my gratitude in advance for any new connections formed or bonds strengthened during this time, and feeling energized by the the potential of the days ahead, I concluded my time in shrine before reverting the water offered.

I woke up Sunday morning and knew that I needed to write about the past year, the year that, with the dawn of that day, had passed on. Foolishly I did not think to trace this fierce and sudden urge to the previous evening’s oath, and went about my errands for the day, leaving this gentle mental shove unfulfilled. Come evening, when I sat in shrine again, I lit a candle for Wesir and spoke a brief prayer in his name. Then I had another gentle “urge” of sorts, and I  found myself moved to ask him to look after the loved ones of my loved ones who had recently passed away.

It was very easy to keep talking (I generally struggle to speak aloud in shrine, even privately) and I found myself sharing how I didn’t really understand death. I have lost people I cared about, but all of these individuals were either friends of friends or not someone I saw enough to really feel the loss at my core, it feels more like they are simply gone on a long journey, except for those rare days when I really allow myself to think about the reality of it and then I can feel more of a genuine ache. I followed this by asking how I could better understand those who had lost so that I could help them. The vague presence I had found it so easy to confide in suddenly seemed more tangible, yet remained soft-spoken, gentle, not at all what I expected.

“You will only understand when you have lost yourself, and I hope that day does not come for you for some time yet, though it will, eventually, come. As for help, go to sleep so that you might dream and I will try to share some of my wisdom with you.”

I apologized then, for asking so much of Him when I knew so little about Him, and I sense amusement, although I did not hear laughter.

“We will know each other. I am more of the balance you seek. I do like you, and will know you if you make the time for it.”

I apologized for not being able to write about my year, guessing by this point that He was behind that particular urge. Unshakable as ever, He noted that I he was pleased enough that we had spoken of it, and He trusted that I would get to it the subsequent day.

Then I held henu for awhile because that voice was just all-encompassing. I saw nothing, never felt more than that extremely subtle shift in my surroundings (almost like the feeling you get when someone is standing just behind you while you continue looking forward) but I was genuinely absorbed in the voice. Like there was so much meaning, power, energy behind each word that it was almost too much to listen to.

I feel a bit frustrated today, because I have that irritating sense that I dreamed, but I can’t seem to remember any of it. Probably because I woke and jumped out of bed immediately in the mindset of readying myself for the exam I took this morning. This might be a lesson in and of itself.

But on to the day of Heru-wer. I was very happy to acknowledge how much my relationship with my first Beloved has grown since my divination. The silence that met me when I reached out to Him initially has been replaced by formal, but ready, conversation. Our relationship remains one of strict guru and fallible student, but I can see the good in his deadlines and boundaries, where a few months ago I simply strained against what I viewed as unnecessary rigor.

After my exam, I found a quiet, sunny place on campus and simply stood, feeling the heat of the sun on my face, examining the light of its rays on the scenery around me, and offering my gratitude for that daily blessing. I offered a small, standing henu to the sky, and when I lowered my gaze I discovered the following had been sitting beside me in the grass the entire time.

While I am certainly not an avian expert, a quick look at the online feather atlas leads me to believe that I might have found a rough legged hawk feather. (I welcome other identifications! My source is here. I’m going off of the two all the way to the right.)

Whatever variety of bird it happens to be from, I can’t help but cherish this small moment of synchronicity.

I look forward to seeing what discoveries and challenges the next few days bring.

Year of Ptah – What have I built?

Originally published at Ekunyi's Embers. You can comment here or there.

This is my first official changing of the year.

A year ago today I had just begun to trust Set, after three months of an extremely rocky “relationship”; a relationship one might more accurately describe as me sitting with my thumbs in my ears muttering, “La la la! I can’t hear you! La la la! ” and Him getting fed up and Gibbs-slapping me until I stopped acting like a moron. With Set’s insistence and powerful support, I ended a four year, emotionally and psychologically degrading relationship shortly before the epagomenal days began. Two weeks later I left Washington, D.C. in preparation for starting graduate school in Pennsylvania. I began what almost felt like an entirely new life.

The subsequent year has been astounding. I have:

• …successfully completed my first year of graduate study with flying colors.
• …founded the first official graduate student organization for my department.
• …established patterns of mindfulness and self-care which, while still very much in development, have provided me with the greatest sense of emotional stability I’ve had since reaching young adulthood.
• …attended my first public “pagan” event.
• …taken the bulk of my personal financial responsibility off of my parents.
• …started a new, healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with one of the most kind, brilliant, and compassionate individuals I’ve ever had the honor of knowing.

With these steps forward I have let go of:

• …much of the anger I felt towards my previous partner.
• …concerns regarding not being intelligent enough to pursue a career in academia.
• …the gut-reaction of terror if asked to speak about my spiritual beliefs in a public setting.
• …the belief that I did not deserve to be treated with respect and love.
• …the fear that held me back from being the capable, determined teacher and leader I know myself to be.

There is still much to be improved and much to be released, but these things will come in time. I know myself strong enough to make those changes, to destroy that which holds me back or lessens my potential to add to the good in the world. On this, my first official Wep Ronpet, I shall celebrate what has been and what will become.

I will sing of these things with all the fire my voice can ignite, I will dance as though the storm of my Father was within me!